


Used to be scared of the ocean (now I'm just diving right in)

by cxansoo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 02:13:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16883697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxansoo/pseuds/cxansoo
Summary: Kyungsoo was prepared to step out of his comfort zone and spend the night out at a bar or a club or whatever. But he was not prepared to feel strongly. For a pole dancer.





	Used to be scared of the ocean (now I'm just diving right in)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you!!! Chanyeol for doing a human flag. Jay for putting the thought of pole dancer!chanyeol on my mind. Twitter for voting on the poll (and always being so supportive!!!). Line senpai for betaing. And Laï for always holding my hand when I need it. 
> 
> Title taken from Why Don't We's In Too Deep, which I strongly recommend listening to.
> 
> Enjoy???

“So this is what you’re so busy with? Buzzfeed tests?” Kyungsoo asks, placing the towel on the table and spreading it out - a prompt for Baekhyun to shut off his laptop and focus on dinner. He gets up, balancing his laptop with one hand and using it with the other.

“This is not a test, this is a bucket list,” Baekhyun explains, completely ignoring the fact that a bucket list is still not a good excuse to deny helping set up the table. He shows Kyungsoo the screen, scrolling down and smiling proudly, “Check, check, check”.

Kyungsoo stops for a second, wondering what to say to that. Then, he decides dinner is more important, and shakes his head, heading back to the kitchen. “Jealousy hurts, I know,” Baekhyun mocks, closing his laptop and leaving it on the couch.

“You know what I’m jealous of? Not setting up the table,” Baekhyun chuckles, hopping to the cabinets and grabbing a pair of bowls and cups, holding them secure between his lean fingers. He shakes them when Kyungsoo walks back to the table, to show work, before stumbling a bit when a cup threatens to slip off his grasp for a second there.

“I’m washing the dishes later, ok?” Baekhyun proposes, setting the bowls and cups on the table and following Kyungsoo to the kitchen to help with the pots, “So you don’t have to be so grumpy you wouldn’t check half of those items off that bucket list anymore.”

“You were already supposed to do that,” Kyungsoo protests, but he doesn’t sound mad, on the opposite, he sounds amused. They’ve been friends long enough for him to know Baekhyun is silly on purpose, sometimes to drive him up the walls, sometimes to lighten him up. Either way he always manages to get the reaction he wants out of Kyungsoo.

After setting one of the pots on the table, Baekhyun’s phone buzzes. That’s all it takes for him to give up helping and sitting down to take a look at it. “It’s Jongdae,” He comments, stealing a piece of beef before going on, “Out and about with Minseok.” Baekhyun turns the volume up, and Kyungsoo can hear Jongdae’s trademarked yell, as startling as the background noise.

Baekhyun locks his phone and shifts his attention to the food, grabbing his bowl and serving himself some rice. Kyungsoo only stares, though, trying to arrange the thoughts suddenly rushing through his mind. “You would rather be there with them, wouldn’t you?” He starts to feel guilty. The others are _out and about_ having fun and crossing items off their bucket lists, while Baekhyun is having dinner and movies night with Kyungsoo on a friday night. Just because Kyungsoo hates crowded places with loud people.

“And miss out on this?” Baekhyun points around the table, sounding genuine, “Hell no,” He smiles at first, but turns serious again when he notices Kyungsoo isn’t convinced. “Hey, I was just playing around before, hm? You know that, right?” Now it’s Baekhyun that lets guilt climb up his face.

“I know,” Kyungsoo says, grabbing his own bowl. “I don’t care if I’m not into putting on pants and going out for the sole purpose of suffering through a hangover the morning after,” He reasons, more to remind himself of who he _is_  than anything else.

“An intellectual,” Baekhyun says, munching on his pepper with a pleased face. He seems convinced of Kyungsoo’s statement, so Kyungsoo agrees. Yes. He doesn’t care.

 

 

 

“This is unacceptable,” Kyungsoo says, spreading the door to Baekhyun’s room open. Baekhyun groans, not wanting to open his eyes, but Kyungsoo’s got his phone shoved on his face judging by the sudden light, so he can do nothing but inspect the screen. His eyes, already used to the darkness of his room, take a while to adjust to the brightness. Then he makes sense of what he’s seeing - Buzzfeed’s page.

“Fourteen out of one hundred. You sure are boring.” Baekhyun tries to suppress a laugh, but it’s three in the morning. After marathoning an entire season on Netflix, his brain is a puddle. And apparently, so is Kyungsoo’s. “Baekhyun, I am dead serious. Unacceptable.”

“Since when exactly do you care about these things again?” Baekhyun sits up, giving Kyungsoo some space to flop down by his side. “This is a bucket list of bad decisions anyway. You should be proud.”

While Baekhyun struggles to keep his eyes open, Kyungsoo sounds like an insane History theorist. “Like a switch going on, Baekhyun. What am I going to tell my grandchildren?”

“But you don’t even want grandchildren, remember?” Baekhyun reasons, lying down again and getting himself comfortable - snuggling his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and hugging him close like a pillow. Kyungsoo whispers a ‘still’, not pleased by the argument. “Do… or do not… There is no try…” Baekhyun frowns, trying to remember where the quote is from.

There’s silence for some seconds. “That does make sense. We either do or do not. And I have to stop doing not, Baekhyun. My best years are passing me by, why don’t I try new things? To be honest, I’ve never been to a club. I can’t stay I don’t like if I haven’t even tried it, right?” Nothing. “Right?” He insists.

“Wars... at the stars or something,” Baekhyun mumbles, making Kyungsoo turn his head to stare at him. His eyes are closed again, and Kyungsoo doesn’t have the heart to bother him anymore. He joins Baekhyun, decided his boring days are behind.

 

 

 

“So what are our plans for tonight, exactly?” Baekhyun asks, rummaging through his closet and trying to find a specific pair of jeans he wants Kyungsoo to wear - because black sweatpants and a black shirt aren’t supposed to be worn on a night out, Baekhyun says, not even if they’re Nike.

Kyungsoo doesn’t really know around, despite having moved to Seoul after being accepted into college a couple of years back. He knows the tourist spots, and most of the restaurants around his neighborhood. Sometimes he goes to the karaoke. But other than that, all Kyungsoo does is watch movies and play games. 

He thinks for a while, then decides to look for something online. He opens Google Maps and searches for bars nearby. Bars aren’t exactly that out of the box, but it’s a start. And maybe it’s a smart decision to start small. “How about Alley 31? The name sounds nice, doesn’t it?”

“Yup, sounds familiar. But I’ve never been there, so yey?” Baekhyun agrees, handing him a pair of jeans and a grey button down to wear on top of his white shirt, “Now put these on, we're supposed to get there before the Sun.”

They decide to walk there, since the place is 20 minutes away from their shared apartment. The name fits, since the black door, with silver plaques with the numbers 3 and 1 on it, sits on a small alley that almost disappears amidst the many neon placards.

There's a bodyguard by the door to greet and head them upstairs, where the bar is. Despite not having a queue outside, the place is full. Not packed like he figures night clubs are, but still full. Still, he sticks to Baekhyun's back, who guides him through the crowd.

The second thing he notices is he can hear chatter, and background music. But it's not noisy, and the song is quite nice. Unlike the electronic one from Jongdae's Instagram update, it's pop, but with the R&B touch Kyungsoo loves.

He can't see much of the place, with light shining on selected spots only, surrounded by a cozy darkness. But the little he can see is very posh, with brown brick walls and black tables. Doesn't even look like they're in Seoul anymo-

Baekhyun stops, making Kyungsoo crash against his back and snapping him out of his thoughts. He doesn't think much of it, until Baekhyun stares back at him with a grin. “Now _this_ is something to check off our bucket lists, huh?”

Confused, he lets Baekhyun pull him through the crowd so he can take a proper look at the stage. And oh. Oh how it explains a  _lot_ about how chill the place is.

The thought of aborting mission and going back home to his boring movies crosses his mind, but it's hard to focus on anything else but the man on stage for too long.

With his legs folded in a chair position, he holds onto the pole with both hands, swirling around it as he makes his way down with ease. Halfway there, he hooks the back of one of his legs around it with a smooth transition.

Baekhyun is having the time of his life. With a huge smile on his face, he even dances along, his own pathetic version of pole dancing without a pole. A giggle can be heard every now and then. But Kyungsoo is part shocked, part mesmerized.

He can hear his heart thump on his ears, as the dancer circles the pole, before grabbing it with his hands and raising his body off the floor, giving him enough time to focus on those arms before he stretches his legs as far as they can go. And they go _far_.

“Now that's what I call talent,” Baekhyun yells, laughing and clapping excitedly. The dancer lowers his legs until his feet touch the floor again for a second, enough time to turn on his heels and catch impulse to jump and hold on to the pole, with both legs tied around it. He spreads his arms along with the last beats of the song, throwing his torso back as the singer’s voice is heard alone.

The stage lights go off. Baekhyun lets out a long whistle, acute and loud, distinct amongst the clapping and wooing, snapping Kyungsoo out of his trance. A new song starts, and the lights fade back up. Another dancer is already on stage.

Kyungsoo blurts a ‘we should go’, but his voice is not really there, and Baekhyun can’t hear him. He clears his throat and prepares to try again, but Baekhyun speaks first. “So this is why the name sounds so familiar! Sehun told me he works here,” He explains, pointing at the stage.

To whom he guesses is Sehun, twirling close to the pole before sliding down on it. Kyungsoo opens and closes his mouth a few times, but nothing much comes out.

“Of course he didn’t tell me he’s a pole dancer. I thought he was a bartender or something. This explains the grin. But I just assumed it meant he would sneak me some free drinks… Well I can’t say I’m not disappointed. No free drinks for us tonight, I guess. Nor ever,” Baekhyun trails off. Kyungsoo snorts, free drinks is what he’s focusing on out of everything?

He pulls Baekhyun by the hand, away from the stage and the crowd. “Hey, hey, we’re not leaving now are we?” But it’s what Kyungsoo plans on doing. He remembers now, why he loves to be boring so much. No surprises. A very predictable life is what he expects. Still he can’t quite put the thoughts together, standing by the stairs that lead outside and staring at nowhere in particular.

“Okay,” Baekhyun says, soothing voice and soft fingers brushing his hand, “We’re leaving,” He curls his arm around Kyungsoo’s waist and guides him outside, not letting go until they’re in front of their building’s gate.

On their way home, they discuss what to watch once there, so while Kyungsoo looks the door to their apartment, Baekhyun sets up a movie. The rest of the night is mainly cuddling and stuffing themselves with popcorn and chocolate. But Kyungsoo doesn’t focus on the movie.

His mind is a mess. Of why did it bother him he isn’t like Baekhyun, Jongdae and Minseok? Why did he decide to get out of his comfort zone? But he can’t say he didn’t enjoy the ambient. So why did it bother him to be there? Kyungsoo shoves his face on his pillow whenever he feels bothered at his thoughts, groaning softly.

Baekhyun pats his back, whispering a ‘there, there’. But he never asks. They’ve been friends long enough for him to know when Kyungsoo goes blank, like he did back in the bar, it’s not because he doesn’t want to talk. He does, it’s just he doesn’t know what to say. Not yet.

 

 

 

“Baekhyun! Hey, hello,” A boy walks up to them, and Jongdae and Minseok greet back with a half hearted ‘hey’, before going back to paying attention to their food. Baekhyun has many friends, and strangers walking up to them happens more often than not. “What’s up?”

Kyungsoo notices Baekhyun is trying really hard not to laugh, though, which is suspicious. “What’s up? What’s up is you didn’t tell me you’re a pole dancer.” Kyungsoo almost chokes on his food, and Jongdae and Minseok are suddenly interested in the conversation - Jongdae even letting out a ‘whaaat’, which pleases Sehun, who lets out a light chuckle.

“Surprise!” Sehun says, and Baekhyun punches him in the arm lightly. As if it’s the most casual thing to find out about a person ever. “But hey, so you went. Why didn’t you look for me after?” Kyungsoo gulps dry when Baekhyun steals a glance.

“Something came up, I couldn’t even stay for your… show,” He brushes off, “But I did see a lot of the other guy? How many hot, tall, dark haired guys have you got over there besides you two?”

Sehun laughs, and Kyungsoo’s mind goes blank again with how surreal the conversation is. “Hm, Chanyeol? I’ll introduce you two later. And then you can tell me if it’s him!” Sehun says, as if it’s a great idea.

“That’s a great idea!” Baekhyun agrees, and Kyungsoo wants to break a hole on the ground and shove himself inside of it. For the seconds Kyungsoo is busy picturing it happening, Sehun says whatever about letting Baekhyun finish his lunch and bids goodbye.

“What the hell is going on and why the hell am I not a part of it?” Jongdae protests, staring from a pleased Baekhyun to a not really there Kyungsoo. There’s silence on the table, and then three pairs of eyes turn to him and him alone.

“I had a moment of stupidity. Side effect of living with Baekhyun for two years,” Baekhyun snorts, “But I’m fine now. Thank you,” Kyungsoo concludes - a cue for Jongdae and Minseok to turn to Baekhyun instead, who’s oh so eager to finally share.

“Last weekend Kyungsoo decided that for whatever reason he should be more outgoing,” Jongdae laughs already, and Kyungsoo goes back to picturing that hole, “Then he took us to a random bar he found wherever which turned out to be the bar the guys pole dance at. I’m sorry there isn’t a less predictable end but we not so immediately went back home.”

Jongdae boos, Minseok decides to focus on the not so immediately part, and Kyungsoo drops his chopsticks, not really hungry anymore. “Ok, fine. I was prepared to step out of my comfort zone and spend the night out at a bar or a club or whatever. I was not prepared to feel strongly. For a pole dancer. And I thought that was the end of that, but what kind of sick joke is the Universe playing on me right now.”

Kyungsoo pushes his bowl aside and rests his head on the table, arms sprawled around. Baekhyun taps his shoulder repeatedly, “There, there.”

“So, do you think we can find this Chanyeol guy through Sehun’s instagram?” Jongdae asks, phone in hand and already typing.

“I don’t think, I know. Because I have,” Baekhyun reveals, and Kyungsoo sits back up again, slapping his comforting hand away. What? “I wanted to be prepared for when you were ready to talk about it,” He explains.

“His username is real__pcy. Emphasis on real. Unlike Sehun, he isn’t private about pole dancing. He has quite the fanbase.”

Minseok watches over Jongdae’s shoulder, and Baekhyun gets up from his seat to join. After a couple of mysterious ‘ah’s and ‘oh’s coming from the other side, Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, giving up and getting up too.

As Jongdae scrolls down, he sees mostly aesthetic pictures of him walking around and visiting new places. But there are some videos here and there, of him showing his pole dance routines, walking his dog or playing the guitar.

And then there are some pictures of him with friends, which only confirms Kyungsoo’s fears. The pretty face he saw that night wasn’t a product of his imagination, provided by dim lights and admiration. Chanyeol was, ironically, real. As real as Kyungsoo’s now professed interest on him.

He groans. “He’s hot, and flexible. So why are you so worked up again?” Minseok asks, and Kyungsoo groans harder.

“I don’t thirst over people, Minseok, people thirst over me,” It’s not that Kyungsoo has never dated anyone before, but he’s normally the one to reciprocate. To have time, and control. To think things through, quietly think things through.  But can’t be quiet about Chanyeol, apparently.

Jongdae bursts into laughter, “Wow, I wish I had your problems.” Kyungsoo knows what he sounds like. But he’s not used to feeling so… exposed and vulnerable when it comes to this. The fact that he doesn’t know Chanyeol only makes him feel worse. Like he’s in 7th grade and with a stupid crush.

He laughs at people like this. He isn’t one of them. And of course he had to go and lose his mind over a person with 30 thousand followers on Instagram. It’s like he’s in 7th grade and with a stupid crush on a _celebrity_. “Aaand he’s gone again,” Baekhyun says, going back to his seat and pulling Kyungsoo’s abandoned takoyaki balls to himself, “Might as well have a snack while he processes.”

 

 

 

“Can I borrow your phone? I want to get an Uber home but mine has like, 3% battery left,” Minseok asks, and Kyungsoo mumbles a ‘sure’, nodding at the coffee table where it rests, before he turns his attention back to his movie.

“Didn’t know you have Instagram,” Minseok comments, and Kyungsoo snatches the phone off his hand, holding it close to his chest. “You think I was born yesterday? Of course I went through your entire account before revealing my knowledge.”

“Smart. You would make a great villain,” Kyungsoo sighs, defeated. “So you know I made an account for the sole purpose of following Chanyeol. Nice. I don’t even care. Please don’t tell the others.”

Minseok shakes his head, “Man, cancel that Uber,” He says, reaching inside his backpack for his charger and plugging it into the socket by the couch, “This is going to take a while so we've got time.”

Kyungsoo sighs, trying to find the words. “He doesn't have a single flaw,” He starts, “He's handsome, he has a cute dog, he plays the guitar, he loves all the songs I love. I followed him so I could find out something I hated about him and move on already. You can see how that is going.”

He doesn’t think he makes sense, but he’s glad to finally let it out, because truth is it’s been a little frustrating. “Everybody looks perfect on social media though,” Minseok says, “Don't give up yet. What if you're about to find out he leaves his wet towel on the bed?”

“That would be amazing,” Kyungsoo laughs softly, but it doesn’t sound very happy. “Or that he lets the dishes pile up in the sink.”

“Or that he snores. I bet he snores, he looks like someone who snores.”

Kyungsoo groans, “I can't tolerate people who snore.”

“I know,” Minseok smiles at him, pushing him lightly. Of course he knows. “Look, all I’m saying is… You’re falling for someone who you’re idealizing in your head. You can meet the _real_ Chanyeol, and maybe fall for him instead. Or you can just… wait. The moment you allow yourself to feel, is the moment you let go and move on.”

Minseok’s got a point, he thinks. Ever since he saw Chanyeol that night, all he’s been doing is trying not to feel attracted to him. And maybe that’s why that’s all he does. He’s been scared, of letting himself go and falling for someone unattainable. Of being hurt. But what if he allows himself to go head over heels, and the obsession just goes away?

And even if it hurts… The faster the pain comes the faster it is gone. It’s much better to have the butterflies on his stomach be a memory of his past than a fear of his future. And who knows maybe in a month Chanyeol won’t be just a stupid crush he had?

He does feel much better then. “Forget Chanyeol, I’m marrying you instead,” He laughs again, but it doesn’t come out as harsh as before. Minseok joins in, “What about next Spring?”

 

 

 

After the conversation with Minseok, things go much better. Kyungsoo stops scolding himself whenever he wants to open the Instagram app, which leads to him not doing it as often anymore. He slowly goes back to focusing on college and work and hanging out with the others.

When he does check on Chanyeol, his heart doesn’t skip a beat. His stomach doesn’t turn. Sure he still thinks Chanyeol is handsome. And talented. And a nice person, according also to Baekhyun after being introduced to him by Sehun. But it doesn’t affect him so much anymore.

He avoids watching him pole dance, though. Reminds him of that night, and Kyungsoo would rather leave it behind, because he feels very stupid whenever he thinks about how it made him feel and about how he couldn’t control it until Minseok came and helped out.

His phone buzzes, stealing him from his thoughts. It’s a text message from his coworker, saying her superior isn’t moving out of the city anymore, which means she won’t get a promotion, which means Kyungsoo’s not getting hired full time. And his part time contract is this close to expiring.

He groans, knocking his head on the arm of the couch. “What happened?” Baekhyun asks, eyes still on the laptop screen. He’s been playing Battlegrounds with Sehun all afternoon, but Kyungsoo has learned to turn Baekhyun’s screams into lullaby already.

“I’m not getting hired full time after all,” He says, and Baekhyun knows how bad it is. He knows he’s been looking for something else for a while just in case and so far nothing showed up. He knows they manage to pay bills but Baekhyun alone can’t handle it.

The game goes silent, and Kyungsoo knows Baekhyun’s character is dead. Baekhyun doesn’t complain this time, “I’m sorry,” He says, getting up and walking to the couch to rub his back, “But don’t worry, ok? I’m sure we can work things out.”

“Hm, well…” It’s Sehun’s voice, a bit metallic through the speakers of the laptop, “I can ask if they're still looking for a new bartender at Alley 31 if Kyungsoo wants?” Kyungsoo sits straight. Here comes Sehun and his great ideas.

“That's a great idea!” Baekhyun says, and his eyes widen, “Thanks, man.”

“I’m not sure the vacancy is still open, so don't thank me yet. But I promise I’ll try my best to help you guys out,” Kyungsoo’s heart melts, why is Sehun so damn nice? He talks to Baekhyun mostly because of gaming, and to Kyungsoo only because they are a buy one get one free pack.

‘What an asshole,’ Kyungsoo mouths, but Baekhyun only laughs, knowing he’s joking. Past an initial shock, he kind of hopes Sehun can get him the position. Jobs aren’t easy to come by, and he can’t be picky when Baekhyun is on the line.

Kyungsoo can’t put his own insecurity above him - insecurity the others think are long gone, weeks after the episode at the bar. Insecurities Kyungsoo himself thought were in the past, and refuses to admit maybe aren’t that forgotten.

 

 

 

Sehun sends him a text message the next day, saying that he can start right away. On his first day, he goes over to the bar earlier, so that Yixing, the lead bartender, can teach him some basics. For the first week he’ll stick to the simpler drinks, so he can get used to the rhythm of the work, learn how to use the tools properly and memorize some recipes.

About ten minutes before the bar opens, Yixing leaves to check on inventory and prepare the next purchase of drinks and other things they need. Then, alone and a tad anxious, Kyungsoo can’t help but take a glance at the stage.

A song much like the one from the other day is playing, but at a much lower volume. The lights are on and the place is empty. Kyungsoo has Chanyeol all to himself, practicing one of his routines.

He spins, both legs spread out, before reaching the floor and doing a pirouette. Then, he turns again, grabbing on the pole with his knees and climbing up, swirling around it. He holds on to the pole with his arms, legs going up the air, one close to his chair, the other straight out, as he curls his body, turning upside down.

“Curious?” He says, surprising Kyungsoo. He turns again, hooking his bent leg on the pole for support as he slides down, spinning around the pole. “About pole dancing. You were staring,” He stops, and straightens his legs until his feet touch the floor.

“Yeah, well, it’s… different,” Kyungsoo says, staring as the other leaves the stage, walking towards the bar. He gulps, feeling his heart beat harder already. Chanyeol is a masterpiece. Tall, broad shoulders, his long curls swept back, wearing sweatpants and a tank top.

He knew by the cover videos on his Instagram account that his voice sounds deep, but when he speaks, it’s something else. “Kyungsoo, right? Sehun and Baekhyun told me about you,” Chanyeol offers his hand, and he shakes it, trying not to melt at how big his hand is, with thick fingers curling around Kyungsoo’s and almost making it disappear. “Park Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol lets go, and Kyungsoo can’t help but miss the warmth of his soft touch. He wants more. “What exactly did they tell you?” He asks, as if just casually curious about it.

“Baekhyun can't shut up about you. You're part of every story he tells,” Chanyeol chuckles, “I probably know you much better than you know me already,” Kyungsoo has to fight back a snort, then.

“Right,” Is all he manages to let out, lost at how adorable Chanyeol looks when he smiles.

“You should try it out someday. Pole dancing,” He says, excited. Kyungsoo wants to hide under the counter and cry in a fetal position. Can Chanyeol not be cute and nice on top of being drop dead hot?

“I'm not  _that_ curious,” Kyungsoo answers, hoping Chanyeol won’t pick up on the fact that he’s curious, but just enough to watch him. That not only he would rather watch, he quite enjoys it.

“Too bad. I would love to see you try,” Kyungsoo laughs nervously on the inside, what’s that supposed to mean exactly? Chanyeol doesn’t give him much time to think it through, though, “I could help you. Also with bartending, I used to bartender before I decided to pole dance.”

“So you haven't been doing it for long?” He asks, his curiosity being genuine. Chanyeol looks like he’s soaring when he spins, like a feather when he lands on the floor. Kyungsoo can’t help but marvel at his smooth moves.

“Oh, no. I'm still a beginner compared to Sehun and Jongin, you'll see. They're great teachers though,” He explains, always so full of light. “I should go, Sungwoo can't see me walking around in practicing clothes after the bar's open. I hope you're not too busy during my parts tonight. See you later?”

“Sure,” He answers, and Chanyeol gives him one last smile before turning around and heading backstage. Kyungsoo hops on top of one of the tall stools by the counter and hides his head against his folded arms. He wishes he had Baekhyun there, to draw circles on his back as he whines.

 

 

 

“How was your first night?” Chanyeol asks, standing tall against the door frame. He already has his own backpack falling off one of his shoulders, which makes Kyungsoo assume he went to that particular room to look for _him_. His legs go a bit weak at the thought, but he tries to contain himself.

Chanyeol is nice. Very nice. He doesn’t have to fall deeper for him because of that. “Alright. Yixing was there to save me whenever I needed help, so...”

“So you had time to watch me?” It’s two in the morning and the place is dead quiet after playing loud music for eight hours. The darkness that surrounds the building and awaits outside can be felt, but Chanyeol manages to shine through somehow.

“Ah, a little, yeah,” He lies. He actually stole glances at the stage whenever he could. “You're good,” Kyungsoo says, against the warnings to be careful his brain sends him. Chanyeol just seems so eager for an opinion, for _his_  opinion, and Kyungsoo wants to give it so bad. ‘You’re good’ doesn’t being to cover it.

“Thank you,” Chanyeol’s smile grows. He seems satisfied, but in an innocent way. As if Kyungsoo complimented him on a childish drawing he made, not on how beautifully indecent he looks when he spreads himself on stage.

That’s when it hits Kyungsoo he likes every single version of Chanyeol there is. And he’s fucked for it.

 

 

 

“So how’s working with the real Park Chanyeol going?” Jongdae asks, but Kyungsoo just shrugs. “That’s it? No,” He mocks, not buying his act. Kyungsoo steals a glance at Minseok, who tries to contain a cheeky smile, still being the only one to know about his Instagram account.

“He’s nice. But now that I’ve met him, that pole dancer magical aura just vanished. I’m over him,” Kyungsoo lies. Truth is every single time Chanyeol pays attention to him he wants to point his fists at the sky and ask the heavens why.

“Hm,” Jongdae mumbles, but lets the issue go. “You’re adapting well, then?” After a week working at Alley 31, he can say he is. He barely sleeps at night, getting home past two in the morning and having to wake up again in a few hours to get ready to go to class, but he gets to sleep during the afternoon instead, so he likes working there.

Yixing and the others are kind coworkers, he loves every song they play there, the place looks neat. Plus he gets to see Chanyeol every night. He gets to talk to him, and Chanyeol is amazing. He always has something to say, about everything. Talking to him is easy, and comfortable.

Kyungsoo only gets to talk to him before work starts, during breaks and after the shift is over. But it’s the highlight of his night. Truth is Kyungsoo wouldn’t care if he left a towel on the bed, or didn’t wash the dishes, or snored.

He falls for Chanyeol again and again, every night. But he decides to keep it to himself. He isn’t proud of how careless about his feelings he was in the past. He’s taking back whatever control over it he possibly can, no matter how little.

There’s nothing he can do about the blush that creeps up his cheeks whenever Chanyeol says something ambiguous and he can’t tell if he’s flirting or just playing around, nor the lump in his throat whenever he feels like he’s going to end up puking his feelings out.

There’s nothing he can do about how fast his heart beats whenever Chanyeol looks for his eyes all the way from the stage, and Kyungsoo starts wondering if perhaps there’s the smallest chance Chanyeol isn’t just dancing, but doing it for _him_.

There’s nothing he can do about the way his stomach turns upside down when Chanyeol smiles, because he can’t kiss the dimple that forms on his cheek but he wants to so bad. He wants to feel Chanyeol smile against his lips.

But he can think before he talks. He can take a deep breath and stop himself from being annoying about how he can’t do the things he wants to do with Chanyeol. He can be mature and accept the fact that yes, for the first time in his entire life, he’s having actual feelings for someone instead of just dating them because why not?

And it’s confusing, and it’s exhausting, but it’s ok. And he can’t bring himself to do anything about it, because while he’s suffering about it, Chanyeol… isn’t. Chanyeol is fine. And he isn’t strong enough to risk being rejected.

Not only because it would hurt, but also because it would continue to hurt whenever he met him at the job he can’t afford to quit. And he would have to deal with both the pain of liking Chanyeol and being rejected by him at once. It’s both an emotionally and rationally good decision. To wait for it to pass, because really, how long can it last?

“Yeah… The job is alright,” He says, somehow managing to sound casual about it.

“You think you can sneak me some free drinks yet?” Baekhyun asks, biting on the tip of his pencil with a childish grin on his face.

“Ask me one more time and I will start charging you double,” He threatens, but Baekhyun isn’t intimidated at all, laughing along with Jongdae as if it he isn’t the one being told off. Kyungsoo snorts, but his heart warms up.

Between being stressed about college, work, and Chanyeol, he’s glad there’s always Baekhyun, Jongdae and Minseok to keep him sane.

 

 

 

“Everything ok?” Chanyeol asks, waiting by the door as he usually does. He lives about five minutes away from the bar, but it’s in the same direction as Kyungsoo’s shared apartment with Baekhyun, so he usually meets him at the break room so they can walk together. 

“Yeah, well, I can’t find my keys,” He says, rummaging through his backpack for the fifth time. Still, nothing. “And Baekhyun won’t pick up, he’s probably asleep already,” Which doesn’t come as a surprise. It’s past two in the morning of a weekday, and he sleeps with his phone on mute exactly because he doesn’t want to be bothered in the middle of the night.

Kyungsoo never really cared about it, because he never thought he would be the one trying to bother Baekhyun someday. “You can sleep over at my place if you want?” Chanyeol suggests, and Kyungsoo can’t help but laugh nervously.

“Ah, no, it’s fine, I’ll just try Jongdae and Minseok instead.”

“Why would you want to wake them up when I’m offering?” Chanyeol asks, playing hurt. The only excuse Kyungsoo can come up with is he doesn’t want to bother, but he knows what Chanyeol will answer to that - and he doesn’t want to get to the point where Chanyeol asks him why he’s being so stubborn about  not going.

“Right. Ok,” He says, giving up before the situation gets worse. It’s just for four hours tops, anyway. Then Baekhyun will be up to get ready for class and he can go back home to get ready himself.

Kyungsoo expects the walk there to be different, awkward, but he notices it's just him - and why wouldn't it? Chanyeol is, as usual, bright. Doing small talk with such ease, laughing quietly because he doesn't want to wake anybody up.

A five minutes walk is not long, so by the time they reach the gates of Chanyeol's building, Kyungsoo is used to feeling a tinge of sadness. He can't help but feel warm inside, despite the chilly night that surrounds them, knowing that for once he doesn't have to say goodbye. At least not yet.

Chanyeol's apartment is small, but well kept, with a lot of personal touches here and there, such as the guitar Kyungsoo's seen on his videos resting on a corner by the couch, and some figurines on a bookshelf by the television.

“You can take the bed,” Chanyeol says, dropping his keys on the table and kicking his shoes off, placing them by door next to Kyungsoo's.

Kyungsoo's never thought he would actually get the chance to sleep on chanyeol's bed. But the situation in which he pictured it happening wasn't exactly this one. “No, thank you, I’m fine with the couch.”

“Kyungsoo, please, unless you want me to carry you there, just agree with taking the bed.”

Kyungsoo snorts, “I would love to see you try,” He challenges, but then he gulps when he notices Chanyeol raises an eyebrow, taking it seriously. “Chanyeol, don’t,” He warns, but Chanyeol already has his arm around his waist.

He picks him up swiftly, and Kyungsoo curls his arms around Chanyeol's shoulders for support, hiding his face on his neck when he feels his cheeks getting warm.

Chanyeol is so warm and comfortable. Kyungsoo's already used to the smell of his cologne, but being this close to him… He wishes he could live between Chanyeol's arms.

The walk to the room doesn't take nearly enough time, though. When Chanyeol threatens to drop him, Kyungsoo whines, tightening his hold, and making the other chuckle.

He hates how charming Chanyeol is. Staring down at him with a mischievous grin on his face and sparkles on his eyes. Which he can see only because they're so close, in the room lit by nothing but the soft moonlight getting through the curtains.

It feels so much like a dream Kyungsoo pulls him down by the neck, ending the distance between their lips, taking in every second of the long peck he gives the other.

Chanyeol carefully lowers him onto the bed, parting the kiss only to position himself on top of Kyungsoo properly before looking for his lips again.

He cups Kyungsoo's cheeks with his hands, drawing small circles on his nape. He feels Chanyeol's tongue on his lips and parts them, deepening the kiss.

There's a bittersweet taste to it. Kyungsoo's been wanting to do it for over a month, but now that it's finally happening he can't help but think about how it might be his only chance.

As much as he loves having Chanyeol on top of him, weighing him down on the mattress, as much as he wants to give himself to him and let him do as he pleases, he wants to be memorable.

He wants to impregnate himself on Chanyeol's mind, to know that after he leaves, the other won't manage to stop thinking about him.

Kyungsoo parts the kiss, staring up at Chanyeol with newfound determination. He slides his hands under Chanyeol's shirt, slowly bringing them up.

Once the shirt is out of the way, Kyungsoo pushes Chanyeol to the side and rolls on top of him, taking his time as he feasts on the view. Then, he takes his own shirt off, making sure to give Chanyeol a show of his own.

He bends down to kiss Chanyeol again, feeling the warm skin of their chests touch, Chanyeol's hand pressing against his lower back, pulling him closer.

Kyungsoo moves his hips, smiling through the kiss when Chanyeol lets out a groan. He wants to drive him crazy, the same way he always drives Kyungsoo up the walls.

He can feel Chanyeol's bulge growing, and he raises his body just enough to slide his hand between them and inside his sweatpants, feeling it through the thin cloth of his boxers.

Chanyeol's breath loses rhythm when he starts moving his hand, letting out small moans. With his eyes closed, eyebrows furrowed, his bottom lip marked by his teeth, he moves his hips to meet Kyungsoo's movements.

Kyungsoo inhales his cologne, placing wet kisses against the skin of his jawline. He trails down his neck, chest, letting go of Chanyeol, who whines at the loss.

Kyungsoo pulls the other's pants and boxers down at once, taking them off. He wraps his fingers around the head of Chanyeol's dick, smearing the cum leaking off of it around the shaft and going down.

“You look so beautiful like this,” He says, knowing Chanyeol loves when people compliment him. He wants to make him happy, so happy he goes back for Kyungsoo again and again for more.

“Kyungsoo…” He whimpers, ever so impatient, rocking his hips against Kyungsoo's firm grip on his dick, going up and down, watching as more cum leaks out, his chest moving in sync with him as hard breaths leave his nose.

“Lube,” He asks, and Chanyeol points at the drawer by the bed. Kyungsoo stops again, reaching for it and grabbing the small bottle inside.

Kyungsoo pulls him up and puts the bottle on his hand, curling his fingers around it. He places a wet kiss on Chanyeol's lips, now a little red and swollen from him biting on it.

He opens his eyes, staring straight into Chanyeol's. “I want to feel you inside of me.”

Chanyeol helps him take off his pants and boxers, then wraps his arms around Kyungsoo's waist, holding him against his body.

Kyungsoo waits, until he feels Chanyeol's finger circle around his hole, teasing him before slowly sliding it inside. Kyungsoo pulls on the back of Chanyeol's hair, brushing their noses together, letting out a long moan as the other works his finger inside of him.

Then he slides a second one, and a third. Always so caring, slowly so it won't hurt, the other hand holding him close, supporting him. Kyungsoo has to bite down on Chanyeol's shoulder to contain himself from crying.

Not because it hurts, as Kyungsoo is quite used to doing it himself, but because Chanyeol is just so precious. His fingers feel so much better than Kyungsoo's own, longer and thicker and _better_.

But he wants more. Kyungsoo holds onto the other's dick again, resting his other hand on Chanyeol's forearm to stop him from moving his fingers.

Chanyeol takes his fingers off and helps Kyungsoo position himself. He slowly sinks down, until Chanyeol's dick completely fills him up, warm and thick inside of him.

He can feel his heart thump on his ears, like he did the first time he saw Chanyeol at the bar. He can't believe he finally has the dancer to himself.

Chanyeol waits for him to start moving his hips before he follows, both of his hands on Kyungsoo's waist now, keeping him balanced, pulling him against his thrusts.

Kyungsoo looks for the other's lips, sliding his tongue inside with urgency, kissing him hard and messy as Chanyeol's hands go down his lower back, stopping only when they reach his cheeks, sinking his fingers on the skin there.

Having Chanyeol moan his name against his lips, with his dick leaking as it brushes on the skin of Chanyeol's chest, Kyungsoo's movements start to get erratic.

Chanyeol grabs his dick, going down his length as Kyungsoo's hips go up, and up again as his hips fall down, faster and faster. Chanyeol comes first inside of him, thrusting until the last drop of cum comes out.

Then Kyungsoo, painting Chanyeol's chest and hand with his semen. He hugs Chanyeol, both because his legs are mush and he feels like he's going to fall down, and because he wants to feel the other close to him for as long as possible.

Chanyeol reaches for his shirt and cleans him up, then himself - Kyungsoo letting go only enough so he can do it, never taking his arms away from his shoulder.

He places another peck on Chanyeol's lips, who turns them around so Kyungsoo can lie down with him, side by side. His brain threatens to start working again, and overwhelm him with thoughts, but Chanyeol smiles at him, washing him with kisses.

And it helps. Kyungsoo closes his eyes, letting himself fall asleep, too exhausted to fight it. For the moment, he just wants to enjoy having Chanyeol there, holding him close, keeping him warm, not a single thing on his mind.

 

 

 

It takes a few seconds for Kyungsoo to register where he is when he wakes up. It’s the first time he takes a proper look around Chanyeol’s room, actually. The curtains are still closed, but he can tell the Sun is high up outside, which means he didn’t wake up when he was supposed to.

His body is covered with thin sheets, and when he sits up, he notices his clothes are clean and folded by the bed. He groans, hiding his face with his hands. Why is Chanyeol so nice even after one night stands?

Kyungsoo can’t push the thoughts away anymore. He really, really, really likes Chanyeol. Could he just fuck Chanyeol off his system and move on? Why does he have to feel even more need to be with him? He sighs, getting up and putting his clothes on.

He doesn’t know if he can face Chanyeol right now. When he walks out of the room and notices that for his luck the living room is empty, which means Chanyeol is at the kitchen then, he takes his opportunity to tiptoe to the door and leave as quietly as he can, despite an internal battle about it.

Because why would he run away if it was just casual? But Kyungsoo needs some time. He’ll think of whatever excuse later on, anything is better than seeing Chanyeol after last night, knowing that while that was the night he has been dreamed about for a while now, it didn’t mean as much for the other.

He gets to his building and buzzes the interphone, asking Baekhyun to open the gate for him. When he opens the door to the apartment, Baekhyun is standing in the middle of the living room, waiting. “So how was it?”

He groans. When he texted Baekhyun in the middle of the night about sleeping over at Chanyeol’s because he couldn’t find his keys, he knew what he would have the face once he got home. But he really thought the answer to that question would be that nothing happened.

“What’s the problem?” Baekhyun asks, not as excited anymore. And to hell with acting chill about Chanyeol anymore. He drops his back on the floor, resting his head against Baekhyun’s chest and _groans_.

“Chanyeol. Chanyeol is the problem. With his bright smile and deep voice and kind words.”

Baekhyun pats him on the back as he always does when Kyungsoo mopes. “You know saying these things with a negative tone doesn’t change the fact that they’re compliments, right?”

He sighs, letting go of Baekhyun and going for the fridge. Now that he’s home, his stomach starts to protest. He just wants to eat, take a shower, lie down and die comfortably before it’s time to go back to work. “I lied about being over him,” He confesses, and Baekhyun brings his hands up to his chest with a loud gasp.

Of course nobody bought his act, great. “I had the most amazing night and to be honest it sucks to know Chanyeol didn’t feel the same,” He grabs one of the containers with leftovers from the night before and puts it inside of the microwave.

He could devour a raw chicken if he had nothing else, both out of hunger and because what a great opportunity to stress eat, even though it’s not lunch time yet. Which reminds him, “Why are you home again?”

“I was too excited about your text message to go to college,” Baekhyun says, and knowing him, Kyungsoo is sure he actually thinks that’s a valid excuse to skip class. He’s glad, though, or else he would have to wait outside for hours before Baekhyun got home with the keys.

“But that’s not important! I hate seeing you like this,” He pouts, “I’m going to punch Chanyeol right on his face,” Baekhyun punches the air again and again, making faces and pretending to swerve from a hit. The full act. Kyungsoo can’t help but laugh.

“It’s not his fault, though,” He says, sighing. He understands he’s known Chanyeol a while longer than Chanyeol has known him, and also that he’s going too fast with his feelings, when he doesn’t even know if Chanyeol is going at all. “Why can’t I just tell him how I feel?”

“Hey now,” Baekhyun softens his voice, leaning on top of the counter, “Don’t blame yourself too much. It’s not easy to be vulnerable, much less when you have no other option but seeing the person every day after that.”

Still, Kyungsoo thinks he should be mature about it. Stand in front of Chanyeol and just say it, and if Chanyeol rejects him, great, at least that’s out of the way. He remembers what Minseok said then, about allowing himself to hurt so he can finally move on.

 

 

 

But it’s easier said than done. Sehun confronts him about it once, at college. Says Chanyeol is worried he did something wrong. That makes his heart drop to his stomach. But he just says there’s nothing to worry about. That he’s been busy, so he has to rush to the bar to get there on time, and that he’s given up his breaks so he can leave earlier and get more sleep.

Every night when he gets home he plans on looking for Chanyeol the next evening, but he keeps chickening out. It just feels so pathetic, to lie in bed and practice what he should say. How much he should let out.

Should he be straightforward? Say he likes him, and it’s ok if the feelings aren’t reciprocated. Or should he take the chance to say everything he wants to say, because it’s his only chance to? To shower Chanyeol with his feelings - because that’s actually what he wants to do.

He wants to shower Chanyeol with his feelings. To learn everything about him, to be there for him, to make new memories with him. To maybe let himself fall in love with him. Make plans for the future with him.

Pathetic. It just feels so pathetic.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo is on his way to the store room when he runs into Chanyeol. He knew it would happen sooner or later, but he was hoping it would be later. “Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol says, sounding as taken aback as him.

“Hey,” He says, trying to act normal, because that’s how things are supposed to be between them. Normal.

“Hey…” Chanyeol scratches the back of his head, “I miss you,” He laughs softly. And oh, if Kyungsoo can’t say the same. If they can’t be together the way Kyungsoo wants them to be, he wishes his feelings would go away enough to at least be just friends with Chanyeol. “Is everything ok?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because you’re avoiding me,” Chanyeol accuses, and when Kyungsoo opens his mouth to protest, he says it again, sounding even more certain of it, “You’re avoiding me. Can I please just know what I did wrong?”

Kyungsoo lets out a nervous laugh, “You didn’t do anything wrong,” He says, looking anywhere but at Chanyeol, who steps closer to him, close enough Kyungsoo can smell his cologne, and his mind goes straight to that night.

“Then why? Why are you avoiding me, and please don’t lie to me the same way you did to Sehun.”

“Because I like you. Happy now? Because I like you. The night Baekhyun came to the bar, I came with him. Took you one second to get me wrapped around your fingers, without even trying to. I spent weeks stalking you on Instagram, and when I was finally getting over you, I had to start working at the bar. So you see when you met me, I was already way ahead of you. And the night we spent together meant a lot to me. And I want more of you than that night. I want you to be my boyfriend and hold my hand and- Give me a second because that sounds disgusting and I might throw up in my mouth,” He splurts out, blaming it completely on Chanyeol.

He’s too close for his brain to function properly. “Kyungsoo-”

“Please don’t pity me. And don’t sugarcoat it either. Just reject me and who knows maybe someday we can laugh about ever having this conversation as I wonder why I ever thought I liked you in the first pla-” Chanyeol bents down to kiss him before he can finish it, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him closer.

“I don’t want you to say that in the past tense. Ever,” He says. Chanyeol chuckles, and Kyungsoo loves it. He loves the sound of Chanyeol’s laugh, he loves that he can  _feel_ it vibrate through his own body, being this close.

“Sehun has your keys. He _borrowed_ it because he was tired of me complaining about how you never reacted when I flirted with you. I swear I didn’t know about it when I said you could sleep over and I didn’t expect anything to happen, well, because you never reacted when I flirted with you.”

Kyungsoo blinks, confused. “Sehun said he wanted to return it but you don’t go to the break room anymore. And he didn’t tell you about it because I told him not to, again, because you never reacted when I flirted with you.”

“How could he even know stealing my keys would work?”

Chanyeol raises his eyebrow, but his smile is still there. Only then it hits Kyungsoo that he  _can_ kiss the dimple that forms on his cheek if he wants to so bad. “So that’s your priority here?”

“I never practiced a speech for a positive outcome, so yes,” He jokes, and Chanyeol laughs again. Oh how he loves being the reason behind it. He wants to feel Chanyeol smile against his lips. So he reaches up, and he kisses him.

 

 

 

“Well, I knew for a fact Baekhyun always has his phone on mute,” Sehun explains, taking a break on his explanations to get another spoonful of ice cream on his mouth.

“Takes 13 calls for him to get the message, though.”

“I also knew that you walk home together, so the chances of Chanyeol offering for you to stay over were high. Of course Jongdae and Minseok weren’t under my control, so I already had more plans on the work. I had no idea Kyungsoo liked Chanyeol back, because I never talked about it with Baekhyun, and Baekhyun never talked about it with me either. But I trusted Chanyeol’s charms,” He squints his eye, letting out a mischievous laugh.

“Turns out we can keep a secret after all. You’re welcome.”

“I don’t think you should be proud that comes as a surprise,” Minseok points out, and Jongdae yells, pleased, but Baekhyun completely ignores them.

“I’m just glad Sehun’s plan worked out. Kyungsoo wouldn’t have confessed otherwise, he’s too much of a chicken for it,” He teases, but Kyungsoo doesn’t react. He’s got a point, but he will never admit it out loud.

“Nah, Chanyeol needs to learn how to be more straightforward, you know?” Sehun stands up for him.

“I wonder what he meant when he said he wanted to see Kyungsoo pole dance. Because that’s so ambiguous,” Baekhyun says, voice filled with sarcasm. For a second there Kyungsoo regrets ever telling him about that first conversation he had with Chanyeol at the bar.

“It’s not Chanyeol’s fault Kyungsoo should get an Oscar for his acting.”

“We’re literally right here,” Chanyeol intervenes, but between Minseok laughing, Jongdae yelling and Baekhyun and Sehun bickering, it goes unnoticed.

“Now you're just being redundant. He can’t possibly get an Oscar for something other than acting.”

“You’ve never watched the Oscars, have you?” Minseok asks as the others laugh, but Baekhyun just whines, confused.

Kyungsoo couldn't be happier. He was so scared of how Chanyeol made him feel before. And he still is, sometimes. That he's going fast, faster than Chanyeol, and that the other can't possibly pick up with him.

But Chanyeol looks for his hand, intertwining their fingers together, smiling softly at him amidst the table's chaos, and it's worth it. Losing control and being vulnerable is worth it after all.


End file.
